Customer Review: reviewing the customers

Nathan Bransford kicked up a bit of Amazon Review Controversy in his blog and the comments are still growing (161 and counting). About everything and all got said, but to quickly recap (damn those US types that blog while decent people are asleep and dreaming):

A lot of responses displayed the Calimero-complex: it's not fair! And perhaps authors getting penalized for publishing decisions (albeit foreign or electronic rights) isn't, but another lot of responses admits that as buyers they don't use the reviews as absolutes. One smartypants had the Ye Without Sin-reflex: authors have been begging friends and family alike to post multistar reviews which is about as fair. Most commentators have a Simple Solution approach to the problem: proof of purchase reviews only allowed. But then, what if you are given a book for Christmas you really really want to rave about on Amazon, or if a friend passes you the book, or if you've bought it in the shop around the corner and just want everybody to read this book?
Then there's the So Not Gonna Happen solution: make the rules clear, and then Amazon can remove all the "not actually about the book" reviews. Sure, excellent solution. We tried that decades ago with double parking, and we certainly taught those double parking assholes to never do that again, didn't we?

Of course, there's also those comments that seem to be inherent to any article generating lots of comments, i.e. Strange Statements (you'll go broke if you underestimate the American public), The Truth is Out There (Amazon won't delete worthless reviews about Kindle versions because [insert shifty glances and finger on lips] they have a different agenda), Evil Overlord Delusions (The Industry doesn't like getting hit by Amazon's amazing flexing muscles mwahahahaaa) which are all besides the point because:
- besides the strangeness of stating that you'll go broke if you think Americans are dumb, Amazon.com is not limited by US Citizenship. If you're going to make statements about group strength, get your group right. P.S.: the rest of the world doesn't usually like it when Americans speak for The World.
- I'm pretty sure the reason Amazon lets it slide is that they'll probably need to hire an army to weed out those useless comments. And hiring people = spending money, and they're there to make money. Not to bring the people what they want. Not to cuddle their cutesy customers. Not to make statements about economics or politics or even ethics. To make money, simple as that.
- as said above, I don't think there's a secret agenda. Amazon itself gets hurt too by selling less, because, surprise! They don't do what they do for free. How's about that!

If I really have to pick a camp, it'll be the Intelligent Solution: the "request a Kindle-version" button that was mentioned a few times in some form or other. But then, I don't really care about reviews either (or "yet", eh). The tools Amazon is trying to use to get "information" to the customer are on the verge of hoaxes anyway (I'm going to save my Procrastinating with Readability Scores for the next post), and reviews are just an example. Always distrust the tools someone gives you to "help" in your decision making. Distrust numbers given, especially if they are pulled from some poll (news-services have a knack for that too), because percentages only work when they tell you what 100% stands for, and people usually don't. At least with the reviews on Amazon you can see how many there are and pick the ones that might make sense.

I think most people involved in the ranting and raving about Amazon vs. The World&The Industry, forget it's all about money. They are customers. Yes, there's that silly thing someone once said: customers are kings! In my bartending years I've heard that one often enough. Proper response from the getting-paid-to-make-your-boss-money viewpoint: And I am empress. Get over yourselves.

After bartending, I worked in a restaurant, hotel, and museum shop and found, while the activities were different, customer categories stayed pretty much the same:

A small slice of customers is polite, usually because they want help in some way or other, or because they are just nice people and actually want to show you that they care about the way you care about your job. They tip. They say thank you profusely. They smile and make your day, even if it's been the crappiest of your whole career and you're pulling double shifts and your feet really hurt. The customer you want to invent awards for, but believe me: small slice. As it is for business (being in it for the money), customers are in it for the buying. Not cuddling the shop assistant. Not being all nice and amazed that someone paid to bring their food actually brings their food.

Another small slice are the assholes, of course, there's no escaping them but luckily they're about as rare as the nice customer. They want to get served first, no matter who was in line before them. When they do they'll find fault with at least one thing, preferably something you can't help. Seriously, once I had this major asshole on a very crappy day tell me the line didn't move up quickly enough and this is a stupid country and he's never coming back here to spend his precious money. I mean *shrugs* what do you say to that except for a well-meant "Well, bye now!"

But the big middle chunk of customers don't really care. They drift, aimlessly, are quiet but are usually somewhat in the way. They order food, eat, pay, leave. They're not especially nice, they just are. The grazing herd. Though mind, they are also swing-voters. Anything can suddenly arouse their anger. One asshole cutting the line and then giving you a hard time, if not managed properly, will incur the wrath of the whole line.

So why not give you people some helpful advice on properly managing assholes at the tiller:
- Make eye-contact with the herd, make sure they know you know they suffer while you help this idiot but that there's no way around it. You're sharing a boat, and let's not rock it, okay? Eye-contact is the first step of bonding.
- Don't argue with the idiot; this lengthens the time he'll be in front of the line, and the herd wants you to get on with already. They'll turn on you, it'll be your fault. Why? I wanna say because customers are idiots, but that's not true. It's because customers come for the buying, and somehow their catharsis involves them handing you money. Don't be a tease, get the asshole out before you have a bunch of assholes on your hand. Also, take care: if you don't have a perfectly good and short sentence to explain/excuse why asshole feels the need to be an asshole (customer's always right, remember?), just nod and agree and say you're sorry. If you place yourself in the position that you have incurred his wrath, you are in control, not him, and you'll actually be able to get him past the tiller and out of the door much quicker.
- It doesn't hurt to express your annoyance once he's gone. As in [too chipper to be heartfelt] "And a very nice day to you, sir!" after which you turn to the next in line with a genuine smile (and relief will help you with that, no need for acting lessons), a sigh of relief and a true "Can I help you, sir?" By this you will give the whole line's annoyance direction (it's that idiot's fault they had to wait), but also tickle their reptile brain with the notion that if they don't behave, they will be marked as asshole by the herd.